Archive for the ‘Attempted humor’ Category

Our Babies   Leave a comment

Papa: Recently we adopted.  It was fairly expensive but at our age you have to pay what they want and get what they have.  It was Nana’s idea, though it had been lurking in the back of mine for quite some time.  Once she brought it up I just couldn’t say no.  I pretended to resist.  “Don’t you think we’re getting too old for this!”  “No!” she said, “It’s not like we have to take care of them during the night.  We’ll just stick em in the garage and check them in the morning.”  “OOOOOK!” said I. “What about travel?” “We can hook them on the back of the car, strap them really tight and off we go!”  We were asked if color mattered.  ‘Course not.  So one is red and the other is, well, I don’t know that color exactly, kinda violet or something.  Maybe you can help from the baby pictures.  It felt a little odd sitting on them but how else are you going to get them to go!! Not surprisingly they behave much better with chains.  To get them to stop what they are doing you just squeeze real hard.

We’ve gone all over with them.  We are certainly not experts.  Don’t want to go too far or the whining will start and just not end!  And that is Nana!  So we have to limit ourselves.  Now on our little journey beginning really soon…Look to the left!  Not long now!…we have some big plans for them.  Roads, and trails and hanging on the back for thousands of miles.  I think they will do just fine!  Not much use if you can’t ride them hard.

I’ve been trying to take some wildlife photos around the house so I could pretend to have taken the pictures down the road, where in spite of often being surrounded by wilderness we will probably see nothing that hasn’t been run over a dozen times.  I fixed up the neighbors’ dog to look like a moose, blurred the picture, and voila! But I need more to fill up the photo book.  We have a tiny, itsy pond in the front and there is a really big frog that lives there joyously eating anything that comes flying by in the night, attracted by the street lamp.  I think he has a mate because there are times when I think I hear two splashes after a lot of noise making.  He hears really well and I will notice him diving from quite a distance from me reacting to the sound of my approach.  So I took the tripod, set up my camera and attached my new remote shutter, aimed it at his favorite rock or at least the one he has stained with what I assume to be frog tutu.  Now he is there regularly, everyday.  So two hours go by, batteries run down and all I can see are two bitsy eyes sticking out of the water.  I swear, I saw bubbles around his head where he had to be laughing at me.  No fooling this one.  What you don’t know, my little slimy friend, I grew up in Louisiana and I know how to use a gig, and while not a Cajun, I will eat about anything and that includes Kermit.  At least I will spare him the indignity of having his innards laughed over by middle schoolers in the science lab,or forced to ridiculously twitch his legs while being electrocuted.  Just a quick hot oil bath and its over!  Mmmmm.

Bicylcle Collage 1

Our adopted young’uns! That pink (?) one looks just like her Nana!

Bicycle Coillage 2

Our new babies! Aren’t they cute. Just check out those sprockets!

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Posted June 7, 2012 by papaandnana in Attempted humor, Roadtrip

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Do you hear what I hear?   Leave a comment

Papa:  So we decided to make our vacation a road trip.  As gas prices climbed to above $4 a gallon, at places along the way, that decision wasn’t looking so good a few weeks ago.  But since our economy is slipping backwards, and hardly any jobs are being created, and prices of everything continue to rise, leading to celery increases instead of salary increases, because of all of this, gas prices are down.  Aren’t we a lucky people!  Now, of course, they don’t have gallons in Canada.  They have little bitty liters.  Now liters were designed to make you think you’re not spending as much as you really are.  Buck-fifty a liter, wow!  It was designed in Europe by Harold von Liter in 1842 to fool his serfs into thinking they were getting a good deal, taking the place of a flagon when the economy over there was saggin’.  Later, after the second really big war the United States won after meatheads in Europe twice came to blows because they couldn’t agree how to pronounce “Alsace”, the liter was used to trick people into believing their lives were better under the socialist economies which are now highlighted by Greece, Spain, Portugal, California and Las Vegas.  In the latter, some firefighters retire with pensions of $200,000 dollars per year.  Yes, that is the truth. They are not 65 either.   Even some conservatives were fooled into voting to bring the metric system to the U.S.  Because of this I have no idea how my track times in high school compare to runners today who are really slower than back then, because of the obesity epidemic, but WE ARE ALL BEING FOOLED!

So to ease the pain at the pumps, still pretty bad compared to not too long ago, we made sure to load our Equinox’s hard drive up with lots of books on tape.  Except, rather obviously, they are not on tape anymore.  They have been digitized.  This means lots of people, mostly in China, use their ten digits to rub the pages of the books until the words fall off.  This sounds tedious, and it is!  But they are paid at the same rate as the guys and gals that make i-Pads.  So it has to be OK right?  Apple, now as big as Exxon and worth more than, well, Greece, and Portugal and Spain and closing in on California, though Las Vegas still leads in the showgirl category, surely pays them enough.  Surely.  So after they rub off the words they drop them into tiny buckets and shake them silly until they settle into a really small pile.  They then drop the piles into tiny containers called USB’s.  From there they can go anywhere, like into big servers, and from there to your home or work into smaller electronic desktop, netbook, ultabook ( a book with lots of pages) or tablet serving dishes.  From there it is dumped, through a special process, back into another USB which I stick into the Equinox, which sucks up the words and rearranges them and then they are turned back into words read by really interesting sounding people hidden somewhere behind the dash.  They sneak out at night after you park the vehicle and go to bed.

Now we get our books from Audible.  They are good people.  They have the best word collectors in China.  Also the best in-dash hidden narrators.  Nana started to wait and read Fifty Shades of Grey on the trip but we decided we probably wouldn’t get to our destination before we had to be back at work!  If ever.  So we decided to get some books that covered topics we were less familiar with.  We have already begun the Game of Thrones.  We were two chapters in before I bought a book for my beloved Color Nook (don’t have the tablet yet) that is sorta like the Cliffs Notes for the first book in the series.  Personally, I think the Nooks are better than the Kindlings. (yes, I know what I just did).  IMHO.  It will be awesome IF we can remember who is who, or who is whom?  Not the best book for early stages of Alzheimer.  All together we have over 90 hours of books.  More on that another time.  That’s all for now as I have to set some food out in the garage for the Audible guys.